I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
