please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Randomize
