The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
