don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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