I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
