there's paper in my vomit.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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