Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
