By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
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