Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize