I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize