I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i dont even know how to be here
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
