i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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