walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
