Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
