I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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