um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
