i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
