He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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