if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
