why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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