Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
