I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
