the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
