Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
