Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
