i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I have aggressive nipples.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
