sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
