watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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