Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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