plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
