Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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