evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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