Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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