dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
