My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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