dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
