i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I have post one night stand depression
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
