Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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