Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You left your underwear on the fireplace
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
