the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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