I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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