My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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