Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think your dad took our porno
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
His nipple licking is glorious
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