so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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