my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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