i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
