Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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