thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
