You're completely useless in the revolution.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
