I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
