you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
