Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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