you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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