can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize