It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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