a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
