Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
