I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
