apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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